Archive for May, 2008

I had no intentions of sharing what I’m about to tell you.  Thinking about it now, I am not sure why I wouldn’t have shared this… I mean, if you can walk away from something and feel so good about yourself, wouldn’t you want to share it with others?  Pair feeling good about yourself and having binge eating disorder and imagine what that will do for your self-esteem.

I got the idea of sharing this experience with you because I think it’s so important that we embrace ourselves, no matter what our size is.  We have to stop letting our weight get in the way of feeling good about ourselves.  One of my readers posted a comment yesterday about doing a striptease class at her gym and feeling so sexy and great when it was over. 

I felt so fabulous after I did this.  I was on a high for a while and it was an amazing and very empowering experience.  Since I’m all about doing things that improve the way we view ourselves, it’s a no-brainer on why I’m sharing.

You see, I was definitely not always a lover of myself.  In fact, when I was knee-high deep suffering from binge eating disorder, I hated myself.  I hated that I always turned to food.  I hated that I was gaining weight.  I hated that I felt so fat all of the time.  I hated everything! 

Binge eating disorder completely alters your whole life, as I’m sure you know.  Binge eating brings you down to a level you never thought you would be at.  Binge eating makes your self-esteem nonexistent.  Binge eating disorder completely destroys any positive feelings you could feel about yourself.  Point blank:  Binge eating disorder takes your life away from you and forces you to live a life you don’t even want to be a part of. 

Binge eating sucks.

Well, back to my experience…

As you know I just recently got married.  I was thinking of what I could get Rob as a wedding gift.  I searched theknot.com and also talked to my other girlfriends that were engaged.  Then a lightbulb went off in my head…

Boudoir Pictures.

In a most tasteful manner though.

If you haven’t heard about these kinds of pictures, you are missing out.  Now, I know you might be thinking, “Are you crazy, Kristin?  How will I be able to feel sexy when I hate myself?”

Let me back up and explain what these pictures are….  Basically, there are special photographers that do this.  You can rent a hotel room or go to their studio.  You can be in lingerie, naked, a button down shirt, a football jersey, it doesn’t matter.  Your outfits are based on how you feel in them.  You take pictures with the photographer and buy the pictures.  You can make an album or just buy a few pictures.  It’s completely up to you. 

A lot of girls do this as a wedding gift for their husband.  Others do it for an anniversary.  Others just do it for themselves.  It really doesn’t matter.

Like I said, I made an album for Rob (and he absolutely loved it!).

Since I had never done this before, I wasn’t sure what to expect.  My best friend was with me and that calmed me… as did a couple of glasses of champagne! 

I took pictures at the photographer’s studio and I immediately felt comfortable with her.  It was such a great experience and I didn’t want it to end.  I could have stayed all day! 

When Leslie and I left her studio, I couldn’t stop grinning.  I felt so good about myself.  It’s such a freeing experience and one that doesn’t require you to be skinny for.  I’ve seen so many boudoir pictures of overweight, beautiful women and I like those even more.  It just shows that these women aren’t letting their weight get in the way of feeling good about themselves.  It’s so powerful!

Just research it, if you are interested.  I promise that feelings of being nervous are quite normal, but those feelings will diminish and you will walk away a whole new person! 

I’m sharing this with you because one of my goals after I stopped binge eating was to take these kinds of pictures.  I wasn’t aware that there was actually a name for them, but I just thought it would be an awesome goal to have.  Instead of you being like me and waiting until the day you don’t binge eat anymore, do it now.  I swear that it will empower you and provide you with new motivation to beat binge eating disorder.  You will walk away feeling sooooooo good about yourself and it will be a day you will never forget!

As we all know, everything is so expensive right now.  Gas, food, even going to the movies.  I’ve been hearing a lot about people having to choose between food and getting gas for their car.  I just filled my car up today and it was over $60! 

Back when I was binge eating I know that prices were a lot cheaper than they are now.  Honestly it seemed like bingeing was my main priority and I was never without my binge food, or the money to buy the food.  I made damn sure that I always had some money on me to fuel a binge. 

With everything costing more and more, is the economy is actually helping your to not binge eat as much as you used to?  Or are you like how I used to be in the way that you will sacrifice whatever you can in order to have your binge eating foods?

I feel like if I were still bingeing, I would be doing anything and everything I could to save money for future binges.  I guess it was just my thinking… I absolutely knew that binge eating was comfortable for me and would soothe things for a little bit. 

But now, I would much rather go shopping and spend that extra money on new clothes.  If only I knew then what I know now… 

As a little sidenote:  I was really impressed with myself yesterday.  The amount of money I usually spend at the grocery store is absolutely insane!  You would think that we had 4 kids in addition to ourselves to feed.  Yesterday I went grocery shopping and really tried to keep the costs low.  There are many things that I bought the store brand for.  If it’s cheaper, why not?  But there are also things that I will not skimp on.  Like milk, for example.  It does pain me to say this, but the 1/2 gallon of milk that I bought cost over $5.  Five dollars for milk.  Crazy, but I know that organic is better when it comes to that so I forked over the money.   Needless to say, I was impressed because I kept the total cost to a record low! 

I admit, I haven’t been to the gym since before my wedding…  which was in March.  Not good, I know.

I decided that I would start going again today.  Of course, I went right back into my “old” routine at the gym.  In the middle of lifting some arm machine, I had to stop.  My arms were on the verge of shaking.  Yes, how quickly we fall out of shape

Of course I kept on pushing myself.  Sad to admit, but on the shoulder machine where I used to be able to do 50lbs, I was struggling to do 25lbs.  So frustrating!

When I got home and took a shower, just lifting my arms over my head was hard.  And I know that when I wake up tomorrow I will be in pain.  It will be the pain that you aren’t supposed to have because it means that you overdid it, but in my book, it will be good pain.  Pain that proves I pushed myself.  I like feeling something. 

Tomorrow I’ll focus on my legs and back… and I’m sure that I’ll have some interesting things to post about that too. 

Anyone want to join me (virtually, of course) in going to the gym?  It’s always fun to have a “buddy” to help you stay focused and motivated.  Anyone?

Lately I’ve been reading that more and more people are bingeing on various meats.  It strikes me as odd, only because that was never my binge food of choice.  Honestly, I cannot even imagine binge eating on chicken and steak.  I say that, but remember, I am a vegetarian and I wasn’t too fond of meat even when I did eat it.

My binges preferred chips, dips, cookies, even bread, but never any kind of meat.

Of course I’m just being nosy (I like to call it curious), but when you binge eat, what foods call your name?  Are you more like how I used to be with carby types of food, or do you find that meat is more your style?  If it is the latter, do you know why?  Maybe you just aren’t a sweets types of person - I don’t know.

I’m just curious about this.  Please share your binge eating foods with me for my curiousity and nothing more.

If you noticed that I haven’t blogged in a few days, it’s because I left for Pennsylvania bright and early Thursday morning.  My uncle passed away on Wednesday and I booked a flight out that night.  It was 9pm and my flight was set to leave at 7am the next morning. 

Aside from being in PA for my uncle’s funeral, it was nice to see my family.  I even got to meet some 2nd and 3rd cousins, which was cool too.  The funeral was set for Saturday so we hung out with family on Thursday and Friday.  Saturday was the worst though.

My uncle has 2 kids, ages 15 and 17 years old.  Just seeing them at the funeral was heartbreaking.  No one should have to know what it’s like to lose a parent when they are so young.  It’s just not right. 

It also made me feel extremely blessed that I still have my parents around. 

I’ve been to PA many times, and I also lived in New Hampshire briefly.  I must say that it’s a whole different place up there.  My mom and I decided to count the pizzeria’s, Dunkin Donuts, and diners while we were in the car.  Not even kidding…  There had to be one of those 3 on every street corner.  Everywhere we looked we saw pizza and diners.  I remembered why I gained so much weight when I lived in New Hampshire.  So much “convenient” food was accessible and that’s what I chose to eat. 

Even though I wasn’t binge eating while I lived in NH, I still gained weight.  Looking back, I think we must have ordered pizza at least 2 times a week.  And it wasn’t just pizza…  We would get a soft drink, cheese sticks, ranch for dipping our pizza in, and a big salad.  Sometimes even a dessert.  All for one meal. 

I’m totally not judging the Northeast.  Being up there this past weekend just reminded me of when I lived there and how poorly I ate.  Of course, it’s a choice and I made the choice to eat junk all of the time.  It seemed comforting when it was cold outside.  Well, who am I kidding, it was comforting all of the time - cold, hot, it really didn’t matter.

Some of you might be where I was when I lived there - You aren’t binge eating anymore, but you can’t seem to gain control of your eating.  You find that you are still gaining weight, which doesn’t help you feel good about yourself.  You feel stuck and confused.  Why are you gaining weight and eating poorly, even though you have beat binge eating disorder?  I know it’s a hard place to be, but just remember that you have conquered binge eating disorder and now you have to conquer the weight that you have gained.

I used to think that once I ended my struggle with binge eating that my added weight would just fall off.  So not the case.  It’s just another battle for you to overcome, and you can overcome it.  It just takes some time, just like ending binge eating did.

When you binge eat, you don’t feel good about yourself.  This directly affects everything you do.  You develop a lower self-esteem, you constantly worry about the way you look, you wonder if the opposite sex could be interested in you, etc.

Binge eating disorder completely changes the way you live your life.  You begin to worry about things that you have never given a second glance to and you seem to start slowly losing who you are.

Suddenly, it doesn’t matter that you have a great personality.  You don’t know how to appreciate that.  Instead, you always compare yourself to someone else and want what they have.  You aren’t happy within your own body at all. 

I know someone that was hilarious before she started binge eating.  She took pride in the fact that she could make people laugh.  It was one of her best characteristics.  Fast forward to her binge eating days:  She started to make fun of herself and the weight she had gained from binge eating.  She no longer appeared to be the fun-loving girl she once was.  Instead, she made “fat” jokes about herself to others.  While they might have laughed, this was only hurting her more and more on the inside. 

Just think about what comments like that can do to a person’s self-esteem…

Another thing that comes to mind is the word “muffin top”.  Have you heard it? 

It’s when the fat from your stomach hangs over your pants, skirt, or shorts.  It’s not really a new term, but since I dislike the word, I’ve never blogged about it. 

Of course there are overweight people out there.  Some have binge eating disorder and some don’t.  How do you think this word makes them feel?  Don’t you think they realize that they are overweight?  Don’t you think that they know they should lose a couple of pounds when the time is right?  Do we really need to label them with this term?  I feel like no good comes out of it at all. 

I would love to hear what words or situations have made you feel not so good about yourself.

Just a warning, this is a rant about international travel and how rude some airline people can be.

First things first though, our time on the island of Little Dix Bay was amazing.  The water was so crystal clear and we had a great time being with our friends on the beach and celebrating the wedding.  If you have a chance to go, I would strongly recommend it. 

Now, for the travel…  We had to fly from Houston to Puerto Rico, which was fine.  Long, but fine.  Next we had to get on a tiny propellor plane to Tortola.  This was also fine (with the exception of thinking we were going to land in the water).  Here’s where it got bad…  We didn’t see our luggage and figured that not all of the luggage had come out of the plane yet.  Wrong.  Instead, our luggage was lost and I freaked out. 

We had to talk to the airline worker in Tortola (who was extremely nice and put up with my crying) and she told us that she wasn’t even able to track down our bags.  Of course, I was in the wedding on Saturday, so this made me really nervous, hence the crying.  She said that she would work on it and that the resort would come and pick up our luggage when it was found.

We got on the ferry for the 45 minute ride to Little Dix Bay and I must say that the rum punches helped wash away any luggage worries.  When we arrived on the island, we were escorted to our amazing room.  It was perfect and right on the beach.  Oh, and get this:  You don’t even lock your doors on this island.  You can lock them while inside sleeping, showering, or changing, but when you leave, it’s left open.  A little odd to get used to, I will admit.  We went to meet everyone at the pool for the toast for the bride and groom.  It was so fun to see my friends and luckily, I borrowed a dress for dinner. 

Dinner was so fabulous - The best lobster I’ve ever had in my life.  Ever.  We ended the night on the beach back at the resort with the lead singer of a band (friend of the groom) playing his guitar.  It was picture perfect! 

I was so convinced (as was everyone else) that when we got back to our bungalow our luggage would appear.  Sadly, this was not the case.  We had no toiletries, no pajamas, nothing.  I kid you not, I had dreams about our luggage.  It was very disappointing to wake up in the middle of the night and realize that our luggage was still not there. 

The next day we were going to go into town and buy clothes.  I was not too excited about this because I had bought some cute clothes for the trip and that was what I wanted to wear.  We bought some toiletries at the store and went to take a shower before going into town.  My friends L. and S. were going to come over in 20 minutes, so the shower was quick (and felt so nice to be clean!).  There was a knock on the door, as I just got out of the shower.  I figured it was my friends, so I opened the door TO FIND OUR LUGGAGE!!  It didn’t matter that I was dripping wet from the shower - I told the man that delivered it that I just wanted to hug him.  To say that I was excited is such an understatement!!

It felt so good to have my own stuff!  It also put R. and me into the best mood ever.  When L. and S. came by, we put on our bathing suits and headed down to join everyone else at the beach.  It was fantastic.

The wedding was as perfect as ever (with the exception of my own… just kidding) and we ended the night at 130am.  We had to wake up at 430am to go on the ferry.  The ferry ride was nice and we saw a beautiful sunrise.  The plane ride from Tortola to San Juan was good too.  When we landed 10 minutes late in San Juan, we hurried to make it through customs.  I don’t know if you have been to the San Juan airport, but it is really confusing and definitely not one of my favorite airports.  We cleared customs, dropped our bags off with a vendor for the airline we were flying and followed her directions to the terminal…

While we could see the terminal, we were stuck behind a glass wall and couldn’t figure out how to get to the other side.  After running up and down for about 10 minutes, three extremely great security guards lead us to the way.  We had to go outside, down an escalator, and up an elevator to find the terminal.  Of course, this meant we had to go through security once again. 

We made it to our gate (running) at 9:07am, and were told that we missed the flight by 7 minutes.  They released our seats at 9am.  Of course, this made me want to cry as well.  The agent said that they were overbooked all day and everyday until Wednesday.

To make an extremely long (about 4 hours) story short, we were given an illegal connection ticket and we were lead in a circle by the place we bought the ticket and 2 different airlines.  Needless to say, I did cry because it was looking like we were going to have to stay in Puerto Rico for 3 extra days, without again luggage.  (Our luggage just happened to make the original flight we should have been on.)

With enough complaining, we were able to fly standby to Newark from Puerto Rico and then to Houston.  We got in at 1130pm, instead of 1pm like we should have.  It was exhausting and it will be a while before I fly international again.  It was such a bad experience and at one point I was scared because I was yelling at the agent that it was the worst customer service ever.  (She actually told me that until airline A would release the ticket, her airline wasn’t going to lose money and then she mentioned something about the cost of gas.  Ugh.)

I’ve also learned that I’m going to try to only pack in a carry on.  It is the worst feeling to lose your luggage and I guess this means that I won’t have a variety of choices when I go out of town anymore.  Sad, but totally worth it! 

Now for some pictures:

At the toast for the bride & groom

On the sunset catamaran cruise

Rockin’ the V.I. with our hands - Virgin Islands

Me & the beautiful bride

How we spent our nights - Listening to music on the beach (from Eric of the Sex Slaves)

On the way to the rehearsal dinner with Rob

At the reception

Let’s talk about the cycle of binge eating. 

First, many people think that starving themselves, having surgery, or depriving themselves of food is the answer on how to quit bingeing.  I get many emails saying that it has been three weeks with no bingeing and then BOOM… they binged.  I asked what they did different during those three weeks and I learn that they took medication to curb their hunger or something of the like.  Well, obviously, that isn’t the solution and that is the reason why they gave in and binged.

It’s not rocket science.  No one binges because they are just extremely hungry.  No one binges because they just love food that much.  It’s no surprise that people binge due to a more underlying issue, which is the reason why the “quick” solutions only last for so long.

2 weeks.

3 weeks.

A few days.

I hear it all of the time and it makes me so sad to hear that people just give up on themselves.  They figure if they can only last a couple of weeks, then they will never fully beat binge eating disorder…  and then the binge eating cycle starts.

After weeks of not bingeing, a full-on binge will occur, which will bring you wayyyyy down.  Your self-esteem will be shot and you will think that this disorder is absolutely impossible to conquer.  Then you will go a few weeks without bingeing, be on cloud nine, and then another binge will occur, bringing you right back down.

Learn how to manage these ups and downs and how not to feel down on yourself if you give into a binge.  Don’t look for a quick solution; instead, know that there is a semi-long road in front of you, but you can win.  Don’t starve yourself or do anything else drastic.  Stay on the slower path and build a much needed strong foundation so that you can overcome binge eating and stop the binge eating cycle.

I don’t know if it is excitement or what, but I couldn’t sleep last night.  We set the alarm to go off at 530am to catch our flight, but I got out of bed around 330am.  Too early!

We are going to the British Virgin Islands today and I can’t wait!  I’ll be gone until Monday, but in the meantime, think about what could be missing from your life because of binge eating disorder.  When I binged my vacation of choice was to go somewhere where it was cold outside.  This meant the obvious:  No bathing suits and a lot more clothing to stay warm. 

Of course there were the times when I was going to a beachy-type of place and I dreaded this.  I dreaded the shopping before the trip, especially trying on new bathing suits, and then I dreaded being in the heat because I knew this meant I would be super uncomfortable. 

When you have a minute or two, write down any trips you want to embark on and how you will look forward to it instead of dreading it.  Think about all the positives that will come out of the trip and don’t focus on binge eating. 

I’m just wondering if those of you that binge eat enjoy or despise shopping…

I know that it can be tough to try clothes on, have them be just a little too snug, need a larger size, etc, but can you appreciate the fact that you look good in something or do you dwell on the size?

Looking back to when I was binge eating, I think that I was in the middle.  There would definitely be times when I couldn’t get out of the mall fast enough.  In fact, one time I was at Target with my mom.  Whenever we tried clothes on, she would always come in the dressing room with me, but I totally didn’t want her to this time…  She did though.  I was trying on shorts.  Target sizes are weird to begin with, so I grabbed a size 15 at the time, figuring it would translate to a 14 in regular sizes. 

I couldn’t even pull the shorts up over my butt.  My mom went out to get me a 17 and those fit snug.  I remember getting tears in my eyes.  It was a bad situation because I needed some shorts, but the number 17 was enough to make me depressed.  My mom tried to comfort me, but it didn’t work.  I let the number get to me and started obsessing about being fat because I binged all of the time.   This is the perfect opportunity for negative emotions to set in and for the self-talk in your brain to go bad. 

After I dropped my mom off at her house and while I was on my way home, I stopped to buy chips and candy from the convenient store and then went to Taco Bell.  At this point in my bingeing though, food wasn’t doing the job it always had for me.  I didn’t feel better; in fact, I felt worse.  I cried the whole way home and realized how lost I felt.  Binge eating were merely just a habit for me now and it was making me feel awful. 

When I felt so badly about myself, I kept my distance from the mall.  I knew it only made things worse.

There were other times when I could disregard the size of the clothing and feel pretty in the outfit.  This was more rare, but when it happened I felt good about myself. 

R. and I are leaving for the British Virgin Islands tomorrow because my best friend is getting married on Saturday.  (So excited!!!)  Yesterday I did some last minute shopping for some fun island-appropriate clothing.  I just happened to notice that the sizes fluctuate drastically from store-to-store.  I could be a small in one store; a medium in the next…

I know this is no surprise to you though. 

However, I do think that we all forget about this. 

The next time you are trying on clothes, don’t even think about the size.  Remind yourself that it’s more important that it fits correctly and that you feel pretty in it.  If you obsess about the size and try to squeeze yourself into a smaller size, you might be setting yourself up for diaster, which would probably end in a binge.